A Year in Retrospect

Today was one of those days where I spent a lot of time musing about what has happened over the past few weeks, and even the past year.  It was my 24th birthday, thus kind of one of those times where I sat back and asked myself, "Where was I last year around this time?  What was important to me?  Where was I going?  And how is all of that different from now?"  Forgive me if this is somewhat of a personal post, but I feel I reserve the right to do a personal post every once in awhile.

Turn back the clock 365 days.

After much debate and careful consideration of everybody's schedule, we finally decided on and executed an academic senate get-together.  For some reason it is really hard to get a bunch of busy student government people together to have lunch, so apparently breakfast time was the only time we could do it, and still some couldn't make it.

The Monster Country Fried Steak

It was a cold morning and I was late (which is a pretty typical occurrence if you know me).  We were having breakfast at The Black Bear Diner.  It was the first time I had ever been there, probably because it looked like a place that was a little pricey.  There weren't a lot of people there, except for another group of teenage girls, all in their pajamas.

I didn't hesitate to order a monstrous country fried steak.  You see, I have this philosophy in life, where if food is free, you make the best of it.  It was a beast, and I couldn't finish it all, which is a pretty rare occurrence for me.

We had some fun times talking about random stuff.  While we were eating, one of those little teen girls came up to our table and asked if she could take a picture with one of our senators.  Apparently she had recognized him from a Tuacahn play that he had performed in as an acrobat.  She had remembered him from the program.  I won't lie, it was little weird.  But he consented, and that girl, whose birthday I think it was also, had a pretty memorable birthday experience, as did everyone at the table.  

Later on, unbeknownst to me, some people came out and sang happy birthday and gave me some ice cream.  A kind gesture, but ice cream and breakfast were never a great match in my book.  

I don't recall much of what happened for the better part of the day, but I do remember at some point Erin and I got together and went to a Christmas party for her work.  It was kind of random, but we had decided a few days beforehand that we would do that.  I won't lie, I wasn't too thrilled, but I knew it was important to her, so we went.  

It was pretty big production, and after having experience the whole thing, looked like it would be a great place to work.  The owner MC'd the party and holy cow, that guy had some energy.  On top of that, a lot of the prizes that were being given away in their prize raffle were ridiculous, worth hundreds of dollars.  Apparently there was somewhat of a reputation for the company Christmas parties being pretty amazing.  I can see why.

A cool birthday present

Afterward, we stopped at my grandpa's real quick, and then Erin and I went to the park to open a birthday present she had gotten me.  It was pretty unique, full of inside jokes, a very thoughtful gesture.  She had written out 23 reasons she liked me and then taped them to little chocolates.  I really, really appreciated it.  We then went to my house and watched a movie that she had gotten for me that we had been talking about for a little while.  The movie has a bit of a stalker-esque title, While You Were Sleeping, but it was pretty cute as far romantic comedies go.  I then took her home, thus ending my 23rd birthday.

At the time, I don't recall having a very clear picture of how things were going to turn out.  In fact, as far as planning for the future goes, the only thing that I was really striving toward was eternal marriage.  That as well as keeping my grades up and and doing well in student government.  I had some aspirations to run for office when the time came, but I never considered anything other than vice-president of academics.  I really liked the girl I was almost dating (meaning we weren't official yet) and I wasn't putting all my eggs in one basket, but I was pretty hopeful for the relationship.  Things were good.  I was happy and content with life.  Sure, it wasn't perfect, and there were a lot of things that still needed to be worked out, but things were good.

Fast forward 365 days.  

Since that time, Erin and I stopped dating.  From what I understand it was because she didn't feel like it was right.  I understand the feeling, and I never have had bitter feelings toward her.  I was a little disappointed though, but it was alright.  I ended up running for a completely different position than I had planned, but it turned out to be more than I could have ever asked for.  I've since dated another girl, which turned out to be a pretty serious relationship.  That relationship ended too because of a lot of unsettling feelings that I was having, to the point where I could just never find peace with the situation.  A little ironic.  

Life seems so much more real now  Not that it wasn't real before, but I feel like I have had a chance to dip into sorrow, and disappointment, but at the same time, great joy and success.

I continue to hope on and journey forward, and certain aspects of the gospel never seemed so real as they do now.  Sure it has been a furnace of affliction, but never has having faith and repenting seemed tangible to me.  Never have the principles from stories in the Book of Mormon seemed to be apparent in everyday.

Yeah it has been hard, and I have seen a lot of disappointment and sorrow, but I think sometimes that is price that you have to pay to know God.  To really know that He is there.  Do I regret being where I am currently?  No.  I think things have played out as they should, not necessarily how I would have liked them to, but I've learned many times that God has a better idea of how our lives should play out than we do.  Who we should be with.  What we really want.  I learned that when I felt prompted to run for Student Body President and not Vice President of Academics.

So in conclusion, a year later, I feel a little more mature.  I've flown to the top of mountains, and hit rock bottom.  I've learned that life has peaks and valleys.  Even more so, I've learned that experiences come at you fast, and life can get really real sometimes, but God is always there, during the worst of it, waiting for us to come to Him.  He loves us, He really does.  If there's one thing that I have had solidified in my mind, it is that we are loved, and that there is a plan for us.  Figuring out what the is, is a learning process, but it's the great challenge of life.  In the end, though, it always ends up being worth it.

So where am I now as compared to last year?  I'm moving forward into unknown territory,  Am I scared?  Yes, but all of this has taught me that God knows me better than I know myself.  I know things are going to work out, and be better than I or anyone could have imagined.  

Peter's Story: Coming Back

One of my most favorite people to learn about in the scriptures is Peter.  Everything about him is so remarkable.  As I think of all the ancient disciples and prophets, I feel that it is with Peter than I can relate most to, which is probably the case for most of us.  But why?  Peter was human.  He made mistakes, he had doubts and fears, and above all he messed up.  In fact, Peter did something that betrayed the deepest values he possessed, something which prompted a night of bitter weeping.  However, by that same token, Peter's story is a powerful example of how one man can be a genuine disciple of Christ, betray the beliefs and values he holds most dear to him, but through the Atonement, come back stronger than ever.

Peter, by trade, was a fisherman.  By the world's standards, he didn't have that much responsibility riding on his shoulders.  His work was menial enough, and I don't know that there was all that much expected of him, other than to rope in those fish.  While I'm sure a lot of people were thankful for the dinner his work provided, in all reality, although fishing was a noble profession, the Lord knew it wasn't going to be his biggest contribution to the world.  The Lord saw more, who he really was, one of the most powerful disciples in any dispensation.

When beckoned to by the Lord, with the simple to invitation, "come follow me, and I will make you fishers of men," (Matt 4:19) he and his brother straightway left their nets.  Jeffrey R Holland, in talk, citing another verse of scripture, interprets the adverb "straightway" as, "not slowly nor skeptically nor cynically but 'straightway," without any hesitation or doubt.  Now, I'm not entirely sure if "leaving their nets" was a metaphor, but in my mind I see that these men not even taking the time to put their nets away.  They just left them, on the shore, in their boats.  Somewhere within them, at their core, something that Jesus said must have resonated.  They must have felt deep down that this was something more important than their livelihood.  It was an impulsive and rash decision to leave their things and their occupation so abruptly, to follow a path that one day (more than likely, unbeknownst to them) would cost them their very lives, but Peter knew it was good, and somewhere deep inside he knew that this was his calling.

"Against the Wind" by Liz Lemon Swindle

Later on, in a ship being tossed and turned by the waves of the sea, Peter found himself amongst the stranded little band of disciples, staring down a ghost-like figure in the distance who has identified Himself to be none other than the very Lord that they knew and loved, standing on the water.  Seeking some kind of confirmation, Peter asks that if it is the Lord, He allow Peter to walk out onto the water himself.  Miraculously, Peter walked on water, a feat known only at this point to have been done by the Savior.  Yet, like all human beings do at some point, he feared, and he was engulfed by the turbulent sea, probably flailing about and, the scripture says, crying to the Lord, before he was saved.  Chastising Peter, likely, with tinges of disappointment and, more likely, great love, the Lord says, "Oh thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matt 14:31)

It is experiences like this help us see the human fallibility in Peter, and is probably the reason most of us can relate to him.  You see, Peter suffered from a condition that we all, from time to time, suffer from, doubt.  He got distracted by the boisterous winds and the black sea, and in his heart, he had forgot that it was the Lord who helped him to accomplish this heretofore unheard of miracle, if only for a short time.  He momentarily forgot that in Christ we can do all things, much less walk on water.  Sound familiar?

After these events and others, Peter found himself to be the only one to be able to identify the divinity of Christ and is given great promises regarding the eventual formation of the Christ's church.  Peter knew that Christ wasn't like other men, there was something different.  He knew that Christ was the Son of the Living God.

It is then, following the sacrament, the Lord says that at some point all of his disciples will be offended, or that is, fall away.  In his brashness, Peter states that, "though all men will be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended." (Matt 26:33)  But Jesus, knowing Peter better than he knows himself, states that Peter will deny Christ three times before the cock crows.  I don't know that I can imagine exactly what Peter was feeling, but I assume he said within himself, "No, I would never leave Him.  I would never knowingly deny the Savior and a cause that I have exhausted myself in.  I would never do such a thing as to turn away from teachings and prophecies which I myself have testified to be true.  Not me.  Maybe others would, but I never will."  He knew in his heart, by testimony, that the Savior was who He claimed to be, and he knew that he could never deny that.

Peter's public declaration was very admirable and probably impressive to many of those present.  However, just like how, occasionally, we find that our bark is worse than our bite, Peter would eventually fail to live up to his brave remarks.

The night advanced into the scene of the Garden of Gethsemane.  Peter being present during the Lord's suffering, perhaps embarrassingly, was beckoned to not fall asleep.  Then came the betrayal, and the attacking and subsequent healing of a guard, where Peter lashed out and struck a man's ear, and then witnessed a healing miracle performed by Jesus.  Jesus then hinted that, if He wanted to, He could escape the guards, but He had to fulfill His father's will, but Peter failed to either believe or comprehend just what Christ meant.  A little later into the night, we arrive at a crucial moment in the life of this passionate, rash, but determined disciple.

Peter followed Jesus and the guards up the high priest, Caiaphas', palace.  As Jesus was being unjustly tried, Peter sat outside the palace, probably trying frantically to determine what his next move should be, but what on earth he could possibly do?  It was then that Peter did what he had previously thought to be unthinkable.

When Peter was questioned by a damsel outside of the palace who asserted it was him who was with Jesus in Galilee, he flagrantly denied her accusations.  Later, a maid insisted that he was with Jesus in Nazareth, he stated, "I know not the man." (Matt 26:72)  Finally, he was approached by yet more people who said, paraphrasing, "you have to be one of them, those disciples, the way you talk gives it away."  Peter then, in a fit of rage, began to curse and swear saying, "I know not the man."  The cock then crowed, and Peter, at the realization of what he had done, went out and wept bitterly.

Everything Peter has been and much of who he can become hinges on what he does next.  He has just betrayed Jesus, he has done something that he knew in his heart to be completely against everything he believed in.  The pressures of life, the social pressures, and  got to him and he broke.  This man, who had witnessed so many miracles, who had walked and talked and ate with the very Son of Man, Himself, threw all of that away in a moment of weakness.  If the story ended here it would be one of the saddest stories in all of the scriptures.  It would be a terrible ending to a story of a man with such great potential and promise, but as we know, this isn't where Peter's story ended.  Peter was given a choice.

Let's pause for a second to draw another parallel between Peter's story and our own lives.  Undoubtedly, we will all make mistakes, and some of them will be grievous.  Some of those grievous mistakes will occur after we have publicly pledged our loyalty and our lives to a cause that we hold dear to our hearts and means more than our occupation and our livelihood, and as we would profess, our lives.  We will feel as though we have betrayed our very deepest values and beliefs, and bitter weeping will ensue.  However, we, like Peter are faced with a choice.  We can either let our appetites and our sorrows consume us to the point where we throw away everything that has made us who we are, experiences, friends, and values, or we can repent.  We can come back and rededicate our lives to a cause we have born witness to in times past. Peter chose to come back.

This for me, is why I've come love Peter.  I'm sure he wanted to retreat into a former life and occupation, to wallow in the misery of his mistake, but he made a conscious decision to not just return, but return better.  From the point of his denial, to when he repented and returned, he came back stronger, and a seemingly new person whose leadership led to the gospel being brought to a people who had previously been devoid of it.   He became a man whose sermons moved entire congregations and, with John, was able to heal a lame man.  He assumed the role of chief apostle and stood boldly spoke for his brethren before the Sanhedrin, "the Jewish senate and highest native court in both civil and ecclesiastical matters," (Bible Dictionary) a veritable supreme court of the Jewish people.

In the end Peter carried his conviction all the way to death, a place he was previously to afraid to travel.

Peter came back, and so can we.  If this man who had such conviction and such a personal relationship with the Savior fell, denying His divinity which only early he was so eager to testify of, and found the courage to come back stronger than ever, so can we.  It doesn't matter where we've been, how high we have traveled or how low we have come from before making a serious mistake, we like Peter can come back an even more power disciple of Christ, fearlessly proclaiming what we know to be true.  Granted, there will be some bitter weeping at the cost of what we have done, and it will be a matter to be resolved between ourselves and God (and possibly the proper authority), but we can return through the grace of the Atonement.

I know the Atonement is real, and I know the lonely pains of bitter weeping, but I know that the Lord will never forsake us, and in those times heartache, not for the world's sake, but because we know we have betrayed our Lord, He can be the one that we turn to, giving us new hope for a future of miracles and dedicated discipleship.  It is the essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I hope that you can come to that same faith as well, as something more real than the air you breathe.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.



References:
http://www.lds.org/ensign/print/2013/05/lord-i-believe?lang=eng&clang=eng
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1979/04/and-peter-went-out-and-wept-bitterly
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bd/sanhedrin